Saturday, September 03, 2011

Scout's Beauty Advice Column

The Ultimate Glamour Guide For Every Discerning Feline

Forward - by Dr. Bess Watkins
The Ladies Of Autumn are a very privileged group. Amid our members exists an abundance of talent, knowledge and experience. We are a formidable force even in our current small number. One of our founder members, Scout, has been producing regular beauty tips that I would like to publish for the benefit of those felines without a Twitter account. Scout (@ScoutsTweets) has managed to condense her advice for Twitter and has posted bite-size beauty advice nuggets. These pearls of wisdom are concise and inspired by Scout's wealth of experience in this field. I have found her column extremely valuable in today's busy, image-conscious world and I hope you do too. Thank you very much, Scout, your column has been a godsend.

Posted 21st March 2012
Sunlight is your friend, kitties, so work a bay window or skylight like it's a forgotten corn dog. Plus: light bulbs make you pallid. #tloa

Posted 14th March 2012
Correct answer to ANY question from fashion journos: "I was an electrical engineering major, but modeling called to me." (#tloa beauty tip) 

Posted 7th March 2012 - BOGOF
#tloa beauty tip A little nip here and there will give you a kick, but too much and you are the feline Judy Garland: a mess

A coffee table book is A-1 for impromptu fashion shows. Hop on, straighten back Egyptian cat-style -- instant stardom! 
#tloa beauty tip


Posted 29th February 2012 
#tloa beauty tip. If the humans approach you with doll clothes or goofy hats like so -- http://bit.ly/yv2uB1 -- RUN! #catproud #catbeauty

                           
Posted 22nd February 2012
Know the sound of an arriving car. Place yourself for maximum visibility, but don't look TOO eager, like a dog might. #tloa beauty tip

Posted 15th February 2012
Your hairballs are to be admired and even revered. Be certain to place them in spots where they will get high visibility. #tloa beauty tip.

Posted 8th February 2012
Keep a big and goofy fella around the house like @JemJellyBelly. You will look witty and refined by comparison. This is a #tloa beauty tip

Posted 1st February 2012 
Occasionally an "artiste" may want to crop your tail . Allow it: Gets the eye closer to rest of you. #tloa beauty tip.

Posted 25th January 2012
'Tis most unladylike to stare someone down in an attempt to get food. More classy and effective to bat them about the head. #tloa


Posted 18th January 2012 
#tloa beauty tip: Mos def never allow yourself to be photographed with a near-naked woman like so. ow.ly/8sWkM You can't win this.


 Posted 11th January 2012
#tloa beauty tip -- The top of the backyard fence is your runway. Work it like Jane here does. ow.ly/i/p849

Posted on 4th January 2012
#tloa beauty tip. Find manual, disable human's camera flash. You don't need anything like this in your online profile: http://www.flickr.com/photos/rdesmond/3461732306/

Posted on 28th December 2011
Snow is your enemy, kitties. It mats your fur and will make you sneeze in an unladylike manner. Avoid in all circumstances. #tloa beauty tip

Posted on 21st December 2011
Tip:There once was a tortie MacGuffin/Who never did get enough lovin'/But then came a day/She found #tloa/And now she has the fellas huffin'

Posted on 14th December 2011
Tip: When strutting around house, have tune to Justin Bieber's "Baby" in your head. That's the ideal rhythm for showing off #tloa beauty.

Posted on 7th December 2011
#tloa beauty tip. Push humans toward solid bedspreads/towels. You need to stand out @ naptime. Can't be accidentally camouflaging yourself.

Posted on 30th November 2011
#tloa beauty tip: There is beauty in absence. If you hide in the closet for 12 hours, everyone will focus on how mysterious you are.

Posted on 23rd November 2011 
Bonus #tloa beauty tip: Have those eyes wide open and that smile big and beguiling for the leg rub tonight (10p London, 5p NYC).

Posted on 23rd November 2011 
#tloa beauty tip: Never look directly at camera. 1) Flash problems. 2) You want that Greta Garbo far-off stare thing going on.

Posted on 16th November 2011
Beauty tip: If your profile is lagging, go climb a tree. Nothing like a few hunky firefighters and the TV news to boost your profile. #tloa

Posted on 9th November 2011
Beauty tip: The edge of a desk is the best place to present yourself. It allows you to hang down your tail and swish it seductively. #tloa

Posted on 2nd November 2011
Beauty tip: It's hard to be ladylike with parakeet feathers in your mouth. Find a place to stash those before you present yourself. #tloa

Posted on 26th October 2011
Beauty tip: Cats make 60 kinds of sounds. You only need one: the low, soft purrrrrrrrrrrrrr that says "C'mon up and see me ..." #tloa

Posted on 19th October 2011
Beauty tip: Leave the butterfly chasing to boys and dogs. Butterflies taste like feet, and you don't need to leave yourself flushed. #tloa

Posted on 13th October 2011
Beauty tip: Keep after the humans about cleaning the back of the chair. You don't want that hair coming back on you. It's gross. #tloa

Posted on 12th October 2011
Beauty tip: When in doubt, arch your back. Never fails to get attention, like so: http://www.tradebit.com/usr/stock-photos/pub/9001/1042037.jpg   #tloa 

Posted on 6th October
Beauty tip: You need to be in that bathroom every morning with the human. 1) Shower steam good for skin. 2) Dropped toothpaste yummy! #tloa

Posted on 5th October 2011
#tloa beauty tip: Never let them see you grooming. Others must assume you look that great with no effort.

Posted on 28th September 2011
My beauty tip: If someone ever throws a treat in your direction, you ignore it! You deserve it on a silver platter, sisterhood.

Posted on 22nd September 2011
#tloa beauty advice column -- If you fall when making a jump from table to end table, YOU MEANT TO DO THAT! Turn any misstep into an asset.

Posted on 15th September 2011
#tloa beauty tip: Pick best window in house and OWN that. A) You need sun. B) Great place to be photographed like her:
http://www.chron.com/life/pets/gallery/Cat-photography-tips-19283/photo-1273578.php


Posted on 7th September 2011
Beauty tips column for The ladies Of Autumn. Gettin' a fella: Always grab the high ground of coffee table so you can both flirt AND bat him about the head.

Posted on 1st September 2011
My beauty advice for The Ladies Of Autumn - prance, right paw over face, curtsy (flashbulbs pop!), left paw over face, prance and pirouette. 

Posted on 29th August 2011
My new beauty advice for The Ladies Of Autumn. Strut, turn to the left, arch back, turn to the right, strut.
The Beauty Guru Scout




4 comments:

Admiral Hestorb said...

Oh Scout..I hope we're following one another. What excellent advice. I see mom with the flashy box even as we speak here...I can do a good runway look for her thanks to you.
xxoo

Bess The Cat said...

Scout would like to add that she was not injured in the making of her beauty tip (posted 22nd September).

Scout said...

For the record, that is not my litter box in that picture. And I am not taking a crap. I am thinking of next Wednesday's beauty tip.

Bess The Cat said...

Does anyone know why I cannot edit Scout's Beauty Advice post? There is no edit icon. Is this a result of the layout change or is the post too big to add to? I have no Blogging experience and would appreciate any advice. I reckon it would probably make sense to post a fresh advice column anyway as these quality tips are being lost under many glorious autumnal postings. Blah, blah, blah.